The Nuance of Christian Suffering - The Harm of Black and White Thinking

I was on a client call the other day and she was catching me up on her life. We were celebrating her physical health wins + then we got on the topic of emotional suffering. She had been through a recent heartache of discovering heartbreaking news and it had been quite a journey for her.

I gently asked how her journey had been going and reminded her that sometimes, it is hard to remember that there can be two truths that exist: “You can trust God and forgive someone, but it can also be true that it is still really painful and grieving is a process that takes time.”

She said that was something she had been thinking about and she had been thinking about the “the duality of two truths.” I really loved that statement.

I think there is a dangerous form of thinking in Christianity and sometimes and I have seen it harm both men and women in the church. I am concerned about this for both physical health + spiritual health reasons. It is where we have black and white thinking + overlook the nuance that can happen, which results in spiritually bypassing each other. In the context of suffering, this often occurs when someone shares something and we say, phrases, like “wow that is terrible, but God is good” Or we say, “what I am going through is hard, but man I do not have it as hard as that other person, I shouldn’t feel this way.”

It is as if we believe that because God is good, suffering is something that should just be experienced and then quickly swept under the rug and not talked about, otherwise we are being victims and not faithful. Or if we are suffering, but someone else has it worse, that means our suffering isn’t valid.

Or worse, thinking our form of suffering is harder than what anyone else has to deal with: “This always happens to me. You think that is bad, this is what I am going through.”

I am actually guilty of this faulty way of thinking. When I was going through a hard time, I told a mentor that I felt guilty for struggling because I knew people around the world had it worse and were in harder seasons, and she reminded me of a profound truth, that I want to remind you of today: she said, “Megan, God is big enough to handle both your suffering, and their suffering. Your hurting does not take away from theirs.” This was a nuance of suffering, I had yet to lean into.

I often wonder if the failure to honor the nuance occurs because sitting with someone in their pain can be uncomfortable, when you do not know what to say. Or could it be that we feel that way sense no one else sat with us in our suffering, or we were told to “get over it” quickly, we have that same expectation for someone else. Or worse, we feel as though we are burdening someone with our troubles and “many people have it worse, I shouldn’t even feel this way.”

But you know what I have come to find throughout the years? This way of thinking harms us both physically + spiritually. It also keeps us stuck + isolated.

Sometimes the most therapeutic + Christian thing we can offer someone, is an undistracted, active presence, and compassion. Asking questions like: “wow that must have been really hard for you, what was that experience like?”

And sometimes, one of the most powerful ways to see grace, is to allow someone else to extend it to us by giving them permission to see us in our pain.

There is power in giving others (and ourselves) space to tell their story and room to say it out loud + sitting with them in the mud, instead of attempting to power wash it off of them.

In our fast paced society, we want healing to be something that happens quickly. Something we can just push a button for and get instantly, like my espresso pod machine where I can just put a pod in, press the button, and get an instant warm cup of coffee.

But life, healing, and growth, do not work like that. Forgiveness, healing, grieving, and spiritual growth take time.

There are more truths here: while it is true lamenting, grieving, and healing take time, it is also true that the process must be pursued. I am not talking about living in a state of victimhood and excusing away sin in the name of being wounded. I am not talking about constantly posting your struggles on social media and expecting to be fulfilled by comments.

I am talking about the healing that happens in community + allowing yourself (and others) to truly lament + growth through a situation. Truly pause + name what has happened to you, apply compassion, and allow God, and trusted others to see the heavy load you have been carrying and help you carry it.

Yes, it is true people can take advantage of this process. They can use it to seek attention and this often happens if they grew up in a household where they only received attention if they were sick or hurt, so it is how they learned to seek help + connect with others.

But there again, lies nuance: It is also true that people who do pursue this process, actually begin to thrive and grow when given permission to process their pain as they work through it in a group setting.

Otherwise, many people place a quick band-aid over a deep festering wound and it never fully heals.

When I brought up the concept of placing a band-aid over an infected wound, when it comes to healing, to my client in regard to her situation, it gave her permission to say, “Yes, exactly! It is like it was infected and now it is finally getting cleaned. It is painful, but I know God is working through it.” She then shared her experience in a group session later that week and another woman responded by saying, “wow, that was refreshing to hear.”

It is true, that in certain instances there is only one truth and a time for black and white thinking.

Example: Jesus is the only way to have salvation.

But this truth also exists among others like: while we have salvation in Jesus, and God is sovereign, we still live in a broken and fallen world and that requires us to have compassion and forgiveness towards others, lamenting is a biblical concept, and it is okay to admit when you are hurting + grieving.

Are we truly honoring the nuance of Christian suffering?

“Weeping may tarry for the night, but joy comes with the morning” (Ps. 30:5). We can wait for joy that comes in the morning because of faith in our good and sovereign God. But we must not forget that the night is often long and dark, and the weeping is often uncontrollable. Minimizing the pain of suffering is a failure to love others and a failure to honor God. Only after we sense the severity of suffering can we truly understand why Paul contrasts “slight momentary affliction” with the “weight of glory beyond all comparison” (2 Cor. 4:17).” - Dustin Shramek.

Learn more about how to honor your unique seasons of suffering + connect with other Christian women along the way, through our Christ centered inner healing program here.